Were you a Liar?

Midst the quiet of the forest, beneath the stars. Mother nature had so much to offer, the stars gazing down at me, demanding my sight. The feisty Himalayan range fiercely standing strong. The constant hassle of beetle, I am sure. The serenity in the wind touching my cheeks between my hair. So much and yet so less. All my mind would drive me towards, was you. The way you made me feel present, appreciated, different. The way your eyes explored my existence.

I recall listening to the sound of the river as the moonlight reflected off the snowy mountains with you. I remember not letting your head fall off unceremoniously while you slept off while sitting. You wanted to say something I had thought back then. And till the dawn of each day and every day I wonder, were your eyes that well trained to lie with such ease? Were you just a liar, I stand against that belief?

You once asked me to take care of myself, I remember taking yours. My boo I’d call you and smile. For I had no hope, however, I dared to dream. I dreamt of a no-war zone with you. A peaceful quiet place of being myself with someone. Someone not pulling me down and no I didn’t want you to pull me up either, I would have done that myself. I just wanted the simplest yet the toughest ask in today’s age and time. I wanted you to stay.

Yes, that’s who you were for me. My no war zone. I fought and I am still fighting, you were a survivor. You weren’t my quest for love, you were my journey. You were the silent wind that blew along with me as I walked towards something and nothing each day. You were my sanctuary within me for me. 

Here I am today in a similar wooden room with trees that stand as tall as our egos just outside my window. I am a trapped animal, who loved you in her self-destructive manner. 

I wonder to myself as my shadow falls upon the wooden walls in a candlelit room, are people that good at lying? Or is it that mostly they’re telling the truth, though the truth seems so unwarranted to our rose-tinted eyes and mellow heart, that we, well I couldn’t see what bat the eye? How did I not see the wrong in the pride you took for taking a spiteful role in others lives? How secluding me from most of your days was on the nail in your mind? 

How diabolical you must have been, that an innocent hiccup that had my name written all over it, didn’t even reach you to remind you, someone was missing you. I wonder today, even if it did, it would have made you wonder how was missing you rather than bringing a smile to your face in knowing it was me.

As my mind struggles to free itself from the threads of overthinking, I realized. It was all a lie. A façade that powered itself from my mindlessness. You once told me, “never ask a question you don’t have the strength to listen or understand the answer of”. 

And I ask myself, just a lie?

My tired, dilapidated heart for the first time in unison with my mind shouted, YES!